Why I always loved her

Jane Goodall has been one of my heroes for as long as I can remember. As a child, and for years, my greatest dream was to one day live in the rainforest and study the plants and animals that lived there. I was determined to end the effects of deforestation and protect that beautiful, mysterious ecosystem. Today, I have been to rain forests in Central and South America for short visits, and they still fill me with awe and a desire to explore and learn and adventure. While I decided to take a different route and am not directly out to save the trees, that is still closely related to my chosen field. I am now a graduate student in journalism with a focus on international/international development journalism. And rain forests are essential to development and the continued health of economies and growth.

Anyway, I loved this video. Once again, Jane Goodall has earned my respect and admiration, and eloquently verbalizes exactly the way I feel about science. What good is it if we don't feel something?

Film going: To the Wonder

Last night I saw the film To the Wonder.

I am still in awe.

This film follows the love and lives of an American man, Niel, and a French woman, Marina, who meet in France and move together to a small town in Oklahoma. We catch glimpses of their lives as their love waxes and wanes through time. The film weaves through the changes they face as a couple and as individuals. Beautiful moments and troubled times. Discontent and sublime happiness. Confidence and doubt. Tied into the tale are a love story between Niel and his childhood sweetheart, Jane, and the quiet struggles of a Spanish ex-patriot priest, Father Quintanna serving his parish in this small Oklahoma town. In much the way our characters seek to find, keep and understand their love, Quintana is reaching out for faith and for Christ, whom he has seemingly lost among the all too real lives of his congregants and the seeming lack of divinity around him. Though the characters overlap and their lives intersect, the stories remain separate and individual. Each unique.

The film is raw. Emotional. Narrated, vaguely, in turn by the various characters as they move through the phases in their lives and loves. As they struggle and question and seek and yearn for that which they cannot find or cannot hold on to.

It is also beautiful. Not just emotionally, but visually as well. The scenes are simple, yet at times take on an almost fairy-tale-like quality. Whimsical and flowing. The lighting and angles are gorgeous. Stark. Brilliant. Elegant. Dreamy. It is we, the audience, are half in a dream. In fact, the entirety of the film might be described as dreamlike. Hazy. The fragments one remembers after waking up. Unfinished and even, in parts, incoherent. Yet the moments are still surprisingly potent; the emotions inexplicably strong.

I recommend it highly...but know that this will be dreamy, emotional, abstract.. and the narrative sparse and elusive. I like that I guess. It was powerful enough to make me weep. So who knows, maybe you will love it too.

What might have been

Yesterday I found an old note from a boy I once loved. Still love, really. Differently.

It wasn't a love letter. It wasn't spectacular or awesome or particularly poetic. It was a simple note from a friend. About a friendship; a shared experience.

And it made me bawl.

Just for 30 seconds. But it was so sudden I was taken completely by surprise at my own emotions. Why did this strike me so powerfully? Why was I so overwhelmed in that moment? Was I sad? Nostalgic? Happy? I think it was all of those things really. But not quite any of them. Reading that note in simple black ink on plain sheets of lined yellow paper, I was completely engulfed, for those few seconds, in the possibilities that existed then that have since passed me by. I was suddenly back in a place that I have left. A time that is completely gone. And with it have disappeared moments and opportunities and potential that were very real for me then. Things that once could have been, but now will never be.

It's not sad, really. It's not a bad thing that life moves forward and some possibilities fade from view. There are always others that move in to take their place. The old cliche, one door closes and another door opens. True enough. Usually. A forgone opportunity is not the end. Some other hopeful potential will find its way into your life.

But still.

Not all doors are the same. Not every possibility is comparable. It would be ridiculous to weigh the un-happened of the past to the not-yet-occurred of the present. The hypothetical can only be imagined and predictions are dangerously unreliable. Yet, while knowing the reality of those possibilities is beyond our reach, it is easy enough to see that the outcomes would have been different. For good or bad. Better or worse. Every "might have been" is an unknown road into a life you will never lead. And while it is important to embrace the present and the opportunities we do have, here and now, perhaps there is nothing wrong with mourning, for a moment, from time to time, the little things that have slipped away. That have moved from the realm of potential into that of unreality.

And sometimes, it's just good to really cry.

It takes me back

I don't quite remember how I stumbled upon the video of Bon Iver performing a cover of Bonníe Raitt's "I can't make you love me." His version is beautiful in its own right, but in the end I had to go back to the original. Gorgeous! (Adele's version is pretty too, by the way.)

The thing is, listening to this song takes me back in time. For some reason I was suddenly overcome by a memory of sitting in the backseat of my grandparent's car with my sister. We were driving to a swimming pool in Albuquerque while there on a visit. Maybe I was 8. The truth is, it's fuzzy and hazy and unfinished. I don't know if the song was playing on the radio, or a CD, or goodness, probably a cassette tape! while were driving. Or maybe some other Bonnie Raitt song. I can't say, but it's strange the way a lost memory can submerge like that, for no apparent reason. But beautiful too. I love it.

And it made me think about other favorite songs we used to listen to in the car when I was little. There were many-- but here are few songs that really stand out in my memory from ages 3-6 or so, when we used to drive half an hour across town to visit my (other) grandparents. At the moment I remember these specifically...

The Judds...

And Eric Clapton.. this is still one of my favorite songs..

Plus a Disney cassette
with "Zip-i-dee doo dah" and "We are Siamese if you please," etc. , etc.
that we must have played 3 million times! 

It will forever remind me of winding roads and fields of flowers

 from summer visits to the White Mountains.

But I'll spare you....

Thanks for indulging me in this blast from the past. Does anyone else have any songs that just can't be separated from your childhood?

Shall we dance?

I'm not a dancer, though my mother was, and because of that I imagine that the ability should be lurking somewhere in my genes, just waiting to be released. That one day I will step out onto a dance floor and nothing but beauty and grace will flow from my limbs; they will work together with the music and I will be transformed. Someday....

Dancing with Carlos, I almost felt it was possible.

Have you ever danced with someone who really knows how to dance? It's like you're moving without even knowing how. Somehow he's leading and following, sort of, and then, despite yourself, suddenly you're dancing. It's something magical, possessed only by a really, truly good dancer. And I guess that's kind of rare.

Carlos taught me to dance: bachata, merengue, a little bit of salsa. He took me dancing and he gave lessons to a group of us on a couple of evenings in the Center for Young Adults in Alcalá. When the rest of us danced together we all fumbled with our feet and started on the wrong beat and struggled to maintain the rhythm. But when I danced with Carlos it all made sense--the music, the movement, the turns--it was natural. Light, free, smooth, flowing. And pretty. While the rest of are just awkward and overly self-aware, when Carlos dances he looks graceful and beautiful and poised. Effortless.

On Tuesday I danced with Carlos for the last time. Today he left for Manchester, England, where he will serve a 2 year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am happy for him. He will teach and serve and learn, and speak English! He will grow and do much good. But I have to confess that, selfishly, I'm a bit disappointed to have reached the end of our dancing days, few though they were to begin with.

I guess what I'm really saying is, I'm in the market for a new dance teacher. One who not only knows how to dance, but who can transform his partner into a dancer by the sheer grace of his movement.

And no, I wouldn't mind if he happens be very handsome.

And maybe a little bit tall.

Welcome to the world

2 lb. 12 oz miracle!

Congratulations Jamie and Joel!! My heart is full of joy for you and your precious little boy! I love you all!!!

The End of An Odd Year

It is the last day of the year 2011. If you lived in my world that would mean the end of an odd year, literally. For me, anything related to numbers is automatically catagorized in to even and odd. And I confess I have a rather unjust bias against odd numbers. If I encounter them I consider it a bad omen, or I attempt to mathematically manipulate them into becoming even. And yes, I know that this tendency is, in fact, quite odd. Of course, I like oddities--any odd thing really, except an odd number. Which only makes my distaste for odd numbers stranger and more unfair than ever. But that's the way it works, in my mind at least.

2011. Yes, it is quite an odd year. But, if we take a closer look, it really has an even tendency that is just crying to get out. The first step to achieving evenness is to recognize our odd number is really quite even at heart: being as 1+1=2 we find a lovely and symmetrical 202. Then, of course, we see that 2+2= 4, thus the sum of this year is pleasantly even. And should we care to, we could divide it into each place perfectly evenly as 1111.

What does all of this mean. Well, nothing. But I guess, in reality, I feel like 2011 was a bit odd, but not in a bad way. It must be those even undertones!

I am not good at pulling out each moment and making lists of favorites and important events. These things slip through my fingers and the individual moments meld into what becomes an overall feeling or idea of the year. This year I am left with a feeling of blessedness.When I look back at this year (and at my life as a whole up to this point) there have been ups and downs and twists and turns; tears and laughter and joy and pain; struggles and doubts and fears and growth. But what I feel more than anything is love and happiness. I love my life, even though it is simple and small in the scheme of things. I love my life because of everything I have learned and everywhere I have been and, more than anything else, because of all the people who have shown up along the way to teach me and love me and help me and who make each moment, no matter how difficult, terrifying or incomprehensibly beautiful, worth living.

I have a faulty memory and at times it is hard to really put together the pieces of my life and figure out how one led to another. There hasn't always been continuity in the path I've taken, and it definitely hasn't been a straight shot from one point to the next. Yet I have enjoyed every bump and hill and tangent. I wouldn't change where I've been. I am happy where I am. And I am excited...SO excited... for whatever is coming next.

Farewell 2011. Hello 2012. May this year be, for all of us, one filled with love, joy, hope and opportunities for growth and change! Sending my best wishes, love and blessings to one and all!

Happy Christmas

Love, peace and joy to one and all. And another favorite...

I

John Lennon!

The best promise

"Truly He taught us to love one another,

His Law is love, and His Gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother,

And in His name all oppression shall cease."

I love this version of "O Holy Night" sung in two sweet voices. Though I love most Christmas music, this has to be one of my all time favorites. The message of hope, love and peace; of praise and rejoicing; of brotherhood and unity--it is gorgeous! Every time I hear the lines "Chains shall He break, for the slave is our brother, and in His name all oppression shall cease" my heart swells with joy and hope. I am reminded of the great promise that the Savior Jesus Christ lived, died and was resurrected for each and every person to be born on this earth; that He loves us all; and that through the infinite power of His atonement He will redeem, comfort and save us. The Savior will bring peace and through Him we will be freed from the inequality, the hatred and the destruction that is so prevalent in the world we live in. He has overcome all things, and through Him we can too.

But I also love the first lines, that remind us of the part we play in His plan: we must be good to one another; we must love and care for all people; for "His law is love, and His gospel is peace." I believe that the Savior will free all humankind from pain, suffering and death, but to do so He will use us and teach us to be holy, to love and to forsake all of our hatreds, prejudices, selfishness and pride.

Listening to this song makes me want to love a bit more deeply and do my best to spread peace in any and every way that i can. And I love it!

never enough

Even though my last post was about Christmas, I didn't forget Thanksgiving, nor could I. Perhaps never before in my life have I been more aware of the incredible blessings that allow me to function from day to day. More than anything else, I am overwhelmed by the kindness of others and the incredible strength I receive from my friends and family (and sometimes even complete strangers who show up out of the blue just when I need them most). I am completely incapable of expressing how much love and gratitude I feel for all those who love me and help me and keep me sane from one day to the next. I think many people will never realize how much they have blessed me and how I have depended on them; how they have been for me blessings from God and answers to prayer. Nor will I ever be able to fully explain what all the hugs and smiles and talking and listening, the calls or emails or texts or letters, the examples, the words, the images, the inspiration- all of it and more- I cannot begin to wrap all these things into words or any expression that I know of that could express what it has meant to me. For now, suffice it to say,

Truly. Sincerely. And with all my heart. Thank you. I love you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

P.S. Just now, after writing this post, I read this verse

that is only too perfectly fitting not to share:

Now my brethren, we see that God is mindful of every people,

whatsoever land they may be in;

yea, he numbereth his people, and his bowels of mercy are over all the earth.

Now this is my joy, and my thanksgiving;

yea, and I will give thanks unto my God forever.

Amen.

alma 26:37

xo.

We're Going Home

For some reason I was thinking about the song "Two of Us" the other day, and it brings me so much joy to listen to it! I think this is my favorite Beatles song! And lets be honest, that's saying something :)

It is a random connection, but this song reminds me of Christmas last year. I would listen to this song in the car sometimes as I drove all over Utah County for my job. I was always busy often hurrying from one place to another, bringing name cards for the Angel Trees, meeting with organizers and volunteers, picking up gifts, delivering materials, helping at the warehouse. There were so many different things to do for Sub for Santa and Angel Tree. I LOVED those days, even though they were long and tiring and there were a million problems to deal with (and it was cold outside), because I really felt like I was accomplishing something that would make life a little happier for children and families during Christmas. I think those few months will always stand out to me as one of the best experiences of my life. I am so glad to be reminded of it now as we're entering into that lovely holiday season once again (can you believe it's already here??!?!?!), living somewhere far away and doing something quite different. It's strange how quickly things change!

And so, a seemingly unassociated song that I love and will always remind me of my long drives around Utah County last year for United Way!

On my little heart

I can't stop listening to this song. Because every time I do, I feel like my heart is breaking, but only so that it can be rebuilt, stronger and more full of love than ever before.

Everything about it makes me want to be better. Not only is it a gorgeous song with a beautiful message, but the fact that it is a tribute to Martin Luther King, Jr., one of my greatest heroes, makes it all the more powerful. It stirs in me a desire to be the best I can be and to give to the world, and to the Lord, everything I have. I love it!

rain rain, come today

When did it happen?

Suddenly you're a 24 year old woman standing beside the window of your apartment watching it rain and wishing more than anything else that it was fifteen years ago: you are with your sister in the backyard splashing in puddles and laughing, screaming and grabbing each others hands when you hear thunder, running under the porch where you'll watch the sky glow with each electrifying bolt of lightning and count 1 mississippi, 2 mississippi, 3 mississippi until you hear the thunder rumble through the sky and shake the whole world a little and you'll guess how far away it is and you'll wave to mom in the kitchen where you know she's watching you to make sure you aren't still out in the yard with all that thunder so close.

Now, the best you can do is throw on shorts and running shoes to give yourself an excuse to go out into the rain. And while you'll pretend to be a dignified adult taking a jog, all you'll really care about is making sure to jump in each puddle and feel the rain on your face and those pockets of thick, heavy, humid air that hit you like a wall of fire. And it's good.

But running the streets of Provo with shoes on in rain that dries up two minutes after you leave the house, well, it isn't the same. It isn't the same as an Arizona monsoon. And it isn't the same as dancing barefoot with your sister in the yard, drenching yourselves until you're pruney and sopping wet and unfathomably happy; it isn't the same as yelling and hiding under the awning but giggling too because you're not really scared and you know (I mean you really know) that whenever you need to you can turn around and walk through that back door and be home safe. Perfectly safe. Confident that you will have everything you need, and more. And that you'll always have these people to be with you through everything--your sister and your mom and your dad and your dog and cat and tortoise. It's all so sure.

And I want that now. I want to know that everything is always going to be okay and that no matter what I can always run back inside and someone will be there to take care of me. Because while I try to be brave and adventurous sometimes, there is nothing better than the safety of your own home. I really can't imagine that there ever will be.

Never change forever

The saga continues.
















2005

2011

After six years, husbands and state lines won't keep us apart! (right??)
Stay special, my friends!

America America

Last weekend I went hiking and camping in Moab, UT with two of my lovely friends, Halley and Sarah. We went to Arches National Park and then did some hiking in other nearby areas (BLM land that Halley taught me about!). It was glorious!

I needed that trip. It is so good for me to get out of Provo. And especially out of my office and into some of the beautiful natural places that are so close to me here in Utah.

While we were in Arches, we stopped into the Visitors Center and came across these awesome posters from the 1930s and 1940s that were promoting travel and tourism in the United States (see examples below). I bought a few postcard versions, because they were gorgeous. And they made me feel really lucky to live so close to some of America's great treasures--her mountains and valleys and canyons.



I have only lived in two states in my life, but within those two beautiful states there are so many incredible gifts of Nature to explore! Arizona, the Grand Canyon State, home to one of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World!; and Utah, with Bryce Canyon and Arches National Park and Zion's and Capitol Reef and so much more (that I hope to explore a bit this summer!). I am a lucky woman. And while I love getting to visit other parts of the US and other spectacular places across the world, where there are more incredible marvels to witness, I would be quite ungrateful if I didn't pause to wonder at the beauty of all that I have right here at my finger tips!

I love it!

happy day!

I just love Valentine's Day! I love the colors red and pink. I love hearts. I love flowers and chocolate and kind words. and yes, i know sometimes v-day gets to be a bit overly sugared up and cliche, but I can't help but rejoice in a day dedicated to showing people that you care about them!

so....

Happy Valentine's Day!

I hope you tell someone(s) you love them!

photo ...

oh oh oh

I'm kind of obsessed with this song right now.

Casas de carton

Yesterday my heart was broken as I watched a story of a young boy living in El Salvador during the civil war (in the 1980s). The movie "Innocent Voices" was based on the actual experiences of writer Oscar Torres and is one of the most beautiful depictions of family, childhood and war that I have seen. I was again reminded of the terrible reality of war and especially of its devastating impact on families and children, which effects linger on for generations--as we can see in El Salvador with the terrible gang violence that has taken hold in the country.

Luckily, there was more than simply a message of despair in the film. Perhaps one of the most poignant moments was when the Catholic priest, after having been brutally beaten by the El Salvadorean soldiers, held mass in the street and preached a message of love and faith to his congregation and all who could hear:

"The word of God should be heard by those who have not found grace within themselves. What is grace? Grace is the presence of the divine in every one of our actions. The skeptics say, 'If God existed, there would be no war.' And I respond, 'If humanity would obey the word of God, then there would be no war!' Because God has given humanity the privilege to live in grace, or on the contrary, to provoke disgrace. I assure you, when one lives in the grace of God, war does not exist. Nevertheless, there are those who ignore their own divine nature and they satisfy themselves by robbing, humiliating and killing their own kind..."

To me this is such a beautiful expression of our responsibility. Each of us must live according to our divine nature. We must act with grace and love and treat each other with care. If we want to be blessed with peace, we must first live peacefully. We must demonstrate in our actions the grace of God and our devotion to him, rather than to our own wants and our own prejudices and hatreds and grudges. Oh how I wish we would live that way!

This song was a song of the rebel army in the civil war in El Salvador, prohibited by the national army. It is gorgeous.



Here is the English translation:

How sad the rain sounds
On the cardboard roofs
How sadly my people live
In the cardboard houses.

The worker comes descending,
Almost dragging his feet
Under the weight of his suffering.
Look how much is the suffering!
Look how much the suffering weighs!
He leaves his pregnant wife above
The city is below,
And he loses himself in its tangle.

Today is the same as yesterday
In this world without tomorrow.

How sad, the rain is heard
On the cardboard roofs.
How sadly my people live
In the cardboard houses.

Children the color of my land
With the same scars,
Millionaires of worms, and
therefore, how sadly the children live.

How happily the dogs live
In the home of the exploiters.
You won't believe it,
But there are schools for dogs
And they give them education
So they don't bite the newsboys
But the boss
For years, so many years,
has been biting the laborer.

How sad, the rain is heard
On the cardboard roofs.
How far away, hope passes
In the cardboard houses.

From: http://lyricstranslate.com

This Christmas season, may we remember, and live, the glorious song of the angels at our Savior's birth:

"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will towards men."
Luke 2:14

you'd better believe it.

last night i watched a film called 'amreeka.'

it made me laugh
it made me cry
it made me think

one of my favorite lines from the film:
"It sucks here." (Fadi, son)
"Everywhere sucks." (Muna, mother)

this struck me as true...

maybe it's because i was thinking from the point of view of a palestinian mother and her teenage son coming to the united states from the west bank during the invasion of iraq. because from their point of view there was nothing to go home to and because in america they were treated as outsiders at best and terrorists at worst. because i can't imagine what it would be like to flee your country where you feel like a "prisoner" and come to another country with nothing but hope only to be treated like an outcast. because i know that there are people here who feel that way. because there are people everywhere who feel like they have nowhere to go. nowhere to call home. no solutions to the problems that tumble down upon them day by day.

but what i loved most is that they made it. in some ways. this mother and her son. their family. they found a way to survive. to be happy. they supported each other and they made the best of things.

sometimes i feel like "everywhere sucks." maybe not for me--and i know i am so blessed for that, even though sometimes things suck for me too. sometimes things suck for everyone. but for some people this is a reality of life. every day. all the time. and it's overwhelming even to imagine what that must feel like.

the thing is, everywhere can be beautiful too. everywhere has something to offer. everywhere can foster love. everywhere can be seen for the good. and people can persevere through so much more than i can even comprehend.

sometimes the world seems so dauntingly messed up. there are problems in every part of the world and there is no way to escape that reality. but humans are pretty strong. and when we support and love each other, we can make it through all kinds of suckiness.

i love that.

heart.felt

This beautiful message brightened my day today and reminded me of how very grateful I must be for the Savior of the world, Jesus Christ, and his message of peace and love for every person! It truly gives me cause to REJOICE!