27 December 2009


Sometimes I think there are so many thoughts inside my head that I just might explode. And other times I feel like all capability to think at all has been sucked out of me and I am left dazed and baffled. The world is a beautiful place. And it's a scary place. And it's a difficult place. And there are times when I look at myself and all humans and I am struck by the truth of our nothingness and just how pathetic it is that we try to make ourselves seem smart or cool or in control. We are all bumbling and stumbling and searching and striving to make a little sense of the world and of our lives and to find a bit of happiness in a world that we have made quite a mess of. And the miracle is that we do find happiness and we do find hope and we do find love and peace and joy. It's a miracle that we function from day to day. It's a miracle that despite all the terrible things people have done to each other throughout history that we have continued and persevered and even thrived. It is a miracle that there always have been and continue to be people who let the facade fall from them and embrace their nothingness and in doing so bless the world with goodness and mercy and a vision of what we should be and could be and can be. I guess I don't think we all have to be Mother Teresa or drop everything and devote our lives to service; but I know I could do more. Couldn't we all do a little more? And how beautiful would it be to wake up in the morning and not pretend that we are smart or collected or prepared, but rather acknowledge that we are just trying day by day and moment by moment to make something of our lives and recognize that we are all the same and that none of us is any better than any other and take hands and lift each other and find that when we are just our little scared selves together we can become something great and we can see great changes occur in the world and love finally reign. Because we are not cool or super smart or really together or completely courageous. We're not fearless and we're not flawless. And pretending to be only divides us and pits us against each other in a fake battle which none of us ever really wins. But if we united in our imperfection we could find that when we place our different flaws together we fill in each others gaps and pick up each others slack, and we're all a little lighter. What is there to lose?

Maybe I'm crazy, but I really believe that.

04 December 2009

I bet you think this song is about you

So I work in a phone room and I wear these super attractive earphones for three hours a day. It's fun. And what's even funner is when I walk twenty minutes home across BYU campus and see three people I know on the way only to realize when I get into my house that the headphones caught on a piece of my hair which is now sticking straight out like some sort of strange off-center unicorn horn. Today I walked into the bathroom about halfway through my shift and noticed that one side of my hair was plastered to the side of my face in a nice round headphone shaped patch. I thought to myself, they should be required to put up mirrors at our desks! with significant haughtiness. And then it hit me. I'm kind of a little vain.

Ok. I'm really really vain. And I think about how I look ALL THE TIME. and what makes it worse is that I pretend that I'm not vain at all. NO. Not me! I don't look at myself in windows as I walk on campus. I don't check my hair in the reflective screen on the computers in the JFSB computer lab. I hardly even glance up at myself while I wash my hands in the bathroom on campus.

At least not when anyone is looking.

When I'm by myself its another story. I think I could sit in front of the mirror for hours on end. In fact, I may have done just that. I like to analyze and scrutinize my face and my body and my teeth and the different potential facial expressions I can make and maybe made in front of that cute boy today--I hope he didn't realize how goofy I look when I do that weird thing with my mouth when I'm thinking! It's bad. And sometimes I even get out my camera and take a photo or two just to check if what I'm seeing in the mirror will hold up under further inspection. And, I mean, it's kind of strange that the only face I've never really seen is my own. It's not that I'm delusional, but you need to be prepared!

Let's stick with that.

P.S. Just to rationalize my own vanity: the favorite location for studying (and scriptures reading) in my apartment is in front of the mirror on our stairs--at least for a few of my roommates. It makes me laugh. And it also bugs me because, hello!, you're blocking the stairs!