once upon a time it was the year 2012

and in that year I did not die. Though perhaps I went into hiding for a bit. Maybe I haven't come out yet completely. But I can't move on without saying something.

Last year was... not really a year. It was not one. A whole. A unified entity.

I think of last year and I feel I lived so many lives in so little time. It is a little scary. And a little hard to explain--being many people. And yet only one.

2012 started smack dab in the middle of my life in Spain. I rang in the new year with my Spain family in the living room of that house where I lived that part of my life. We celebrated with food and dancing and music and joy. Just a year later and it feels like an eternity ago.

The women of my Spain family!

A reason to go home.  (photo by Spencer Boerup)

A month later, in February, I was home. I was celebrating again. This time, the marriage of a dear best amazing darling friend. It was like being picked up and dropped, for a few days, right into the middle of a life I hadn't lived for years--my friends and family together again for the first time in more than a year for some of us. It was magical. And hard. And wonderful and frightening and short.



Within a week, I was back in my Spain life. Teaching. Traveling. Hanging out with friends and alone and living as if it was all normal and real. Dating and breaking up. Laughing and crying and just being. Until it was done. And there were goodbyes and endings and unanswerable questions about futures. As there usually are.

Half way through 2012. Just turned 25.
Florence, Italy.

I left Spain on my own. I spent my 25th birthday as a tourist somewhere in Tuscan Italy, in the middle of a new adventure that was, for the first time, mine alone. Post-Spain. Pre-NewTucson. I wandered through Italy and fell in love with the beautiful landscapes and churches and paintings and history. I drifted through Paris and was enchanted with everything, even though it was sometimes cold, even in July. I ate the best falafel of my life and entered the homes of great artists and felt like the very air there made the world and people and myself lovelier somehow. I decided that my next language would be French.

(I'm not joking, but I should be.) 

Dad and me at The Alhambra.
Granada, Spain.

Days later, in mid-July, I was traipsing through southern Spain with my Dad. Driving on back roads through beautiful countryside. Hiking through otherworldly rock formations. Floating in the salty sea waters of the Mediterranean. Trying to take it all in. But already being pulled into what was next.

When I arrived in Tucson at 11:30 pm on July 29, I was already scheduled to attend training for my new job at 8 am the next morning. In the most unlikely turn of events, I was already a teacher. A 4th grade teacher at a little charter school. And the next unbearably new part of my life had started.   right at the end of July. Without pomp or ceremony. Without time to wrap anything up or become (re)acquainted with this new home. What was had ended and what would be was already bulldozing a new path I hardly had time to consider before launching myself into it.

The last 5 months of 2012 were a blur. A terrifying, glorious mess. An education and a re-education. A new beginning. A return to the past. I still hardly know what to do with those months. They disappeared faster than my brain could take them in. I was home for the first time in 6 months or 7 years, depending on how you look at in. But really, I was in a new life and a new place, not even knowing the street names (anymore). There was no time to think or process, there was barely time to breathe. Luckily, I had my family. My friends. Such good friends! And zumba classes and running and great co-workers and funny moments and busy-good weekends. I even went rock climbing--a new love!

Then it was over.

Well, sort of. Because the year and the phase are not the same thing.

I still don't know what to make of 2012. Except that it is all a blessing. One more piece of my life. Of my heart. Of my soul. Of who I am and will be. Whoever that is.

With that, I wish you all an abundance of peace and love, wherever this crazy life takes you!
xo

Welcome to the world

2 lb. 12 oz miracle!

Congratulations Jamie and Joel!! My heart is full of joy for you and your precious little boy! I love you all!!!

The End of An Odd Year

It is the last day of the year 2011. If you lived in my world that would mean the end of an odd year, literally. For me, anything related to numbers is automatically catagorized in to even and odd. And I confess I have a rather unjust bias against odd numbers. If I encounter them I consider it a bad omen, or I attempt to mathematically manipulate them into becoming even. And yes, I know that this tendency is, in fact, quite odd. Of course, I like oddities--any odd thing really, except an odd number. Which only makes my distaste for odd numbers stranger and more unfair than ever. But that's the way it works, in my mind at least.

2011. Yes, it is quite an odd year. But, if we take a closer look, it really has an even tendency that is just crying to get out. The first step to achieving evenness is to recognize our odd number is really quite even at heart: being as 1+1=2 we find a lovely and symmetrical 202. Then, of course, we see that 2+2= 4, thus the sum of this year is pleasantly even. And should we care to, we could divide it into each place perfectly evenly as 1111.

What does all of this mean. Well, nothing. But I guess, in reality, I feel like 2011 was a bit odd, but not in a bad way. It must be those even undertones!

I am not good at pulling out each moment and making lists of favorites and important events. These things slip through my fingers and the individual moments meld into what becomes an overall feeling or idea of the year. This year I am left with a feeling of blessedness.When I look back at this year (and at my life as a whole up to this point) there have been ups and downs and twists and turns; tears and laughter and joy and pain; struggles and doubts and fears and growth. But what I feel more than anything is love and happiness. I love my life, even though it is simple and small in the scheme of things. I love my life because of everything I have learned and everywhere I have been and, more than anything else, because of all the people who have shown up along the way to teach me and love me and help me and who make each moment, no matter how difficult, terrifying or incomprehensibly beautiful, worth living.

I have a faulty memory and at times it is hard to really put together the pieces of my life and figure out how one led to another. There hasn't always been continuity in the path I've taken, and it definitely hasn't been a straight shot from one point to the next. Yet I have enjoyed every bump and hill and tangent. I wouldn't change where I've been. I am happy where I am. And I am excited...SO excited... for whatever is coming next.

Farewell 2011. Hello 2012. May this year be, for all of us, one filled with love, joy, hope and opportunities for growth and change! Sending my best wishes, love and blessings to one and all!

Add one more to the list

I am also grateful for this beautiful work of art from a girl I knew once upon a time in college. She is an incredible woman, and I have been inspired by her since we first had a class together a few years ago. Now, she is a beautiful mother and an inspiring artist who has created this lovely tribute to a some strong, faithful, independent, and generally amazing women who inspire her. I love it!

The women in my life have always been a vital part of changing me, influencing me, inspiring me and helping me in basically every conceivable way. I am convinced that there is a power in sisterhood that we have only barely begun to tap into or understand. I love that. I love the power and influence of good women in my life! And as most of you who might read this are women, let me say, thank you, my dear sisters, for your love, your examples, your laughter and hugs and encouragement. Thank you for sharing; for talking and listening and for sometimes knowing how to sit in silence. Thank you for your patience and your advice. I love you!

never enough

Even though my last post was about Christmas, I didn't forget Thanksgiving, nor could I. Perhaps never before in my life have I been more aware of the incredible blessings that allow me to function from day to day. More than anything else, I am overwhelmed by the kindness of others and the incredible strength I receive from my friends and family (and sometimes even complete strangers who show up out of the blue just when I need them most). I am completely incapable of expressing how much love and gratitude I feel for all those who love me and help me and keep me sane from one day to the next. I think many people will never realize how much they have blessed me and how I have depended on them; how they have been for me blessings from God and answers to prayer. Nor will I ever be able to fully explain what all the hugs and smiles and talking and listening, the calls or emails or texts or letters, the examples, the words, the images, the inspiration- all of it and more- I cannot begin to wrap all these things into words or any expression that I know of that could express what it has meant to me. For now, suffice it to say,

Truly. Sincerely. And with all my heart. Thank you. I love you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

P.S. Just now, after writing this post, I read this verse

that is only too perfectly fitting not to share:

Now my brethren, we see that God is mindful of every people,

whatsoever land they may be in;

yea, he numbereth his people, and his bowels of mercy are over all the earth.

Now this is my joy, and my thanksgiving;

yea, and I will give thanks unto my God forever.

Amen.

alma 26:37

xo.

GOOOLLLLLLLLL!!!

Well, more like, BASKET!

Incredibly, I played basketball on Wednesday night. I don't even know how many years it has been since I played b-ball... probably at least 5. But a friend called me to see if I wanted to play, and honestly, I would have done anything! I mean, my social life here in Spain isn't exactly keeping me overly busy right now. So, even knowing that basketball is always a very humbling experience for me, I readily agreed.

So, it was joyously unexpected when I WON!!!

Yes, folks, you read that correctly. I won... while playing basketball. And I didn't even cheat. Nor, in fact, was I very good. What happened was, we played "21" and I got 21 first! How could that be, you ask?? Well, both of my opponents missed 21 (and thus had to score 31, then 41 and even 51 points in order to win because you can only win with EXACTLY 21 points). So, with less than half as many points as the other players, I won. And you know what, I'm perfectly happy with that.

In sum: I won. And you should feel free to congratulate me :)

Fairly Representative

I have been in Spain for two days, and I already did this:

In addition to falling down and twisting my ankle, I got sick on the plane, couldn't get money from the ATM or exchange dollars for Euros, felt compelled to eat the ceviche I was served for lunch, and repeatedly embarrassed myself by not understanding or not even hearing things people are saying to me in Spanish (sometimes I have a tendency to kind of block out conversations in Spanish until all of the sudden everyone is looking at me and I have no idea what they just said and then they think I am really stupid).... only 9 months to go.

On the other hand, I've already met some great people. The family I'm living with are so kind and they have helped me out a ton. And the other teachers are fun and friendly. A few of them helped me hobble to the metro after I fell down outside of our meeting (causing the previously mentioned ankle injury). I honestly don't know where I would be, in Spain or in life, if it weren't for the kindness of other people. I am nothing without my family and friends! I love you all! (But if you don't read my blog you won't know it ;))

A beautiful land to the North: Logan, Utah

Last weekend I whiled away the hours with my dear friends Sarah and Halley at their home in Logan. They are so much fun and I had a blast exploring Logan and just spending time with these lovely ladies. Here are a few scenes from our adventures:

The Decemberists at the Twilight Concert Series in SLC.
So amazing. (also, free, which is extra amazing in my book.)

Renting a bike from Aggie Blue Bikes
FOR FREE! It's the coolest place ever-- I wish they had them all over. They rent out bikes, teach you how to fix your bike, and advocate for more biking! Awesome!
Hiking to White Pine Lake!
It was GORGEOUS. Perfect. The water is mostly snow melt so it was clear and blue and beautiful. And freezing cold! Halley and Sarah brought their dogs and taught them to swim :) The snow had only melted off the trails a week or two before, so it was still a bit muddy. And in some places even snowy. But so fun!
Bear Lake
We swam. We snacked. We sunbathed. And I ended up with a terrible sunburn. But I got to try a famous Raspberry shake. And Fox wore his life vest (see below). Oh how he loved that.
LOGAN ZOO
Who knew? It's great. There are so many animals of all kinds and their habitats are really nice.
Chillin.
The rest of the time we just hung out, made zucchini brownies (delicious!), watched Downtown Abbey, went to a bar-b-q and a cute cafe and to the dog park, and rode around on my bicycle (my free bicycle that is)!

And now I know, I LOVE LOGAN!

endings/beginnings

Yesterday I made a decision about what I am going to do now that I finished my year as a VISTA at United Way.

Today I changed my mind... I think.

I probably shouldn't even be able to change my mind. Maybe I haven't. Maybe tomorrow I'll change it back. And really I can only go on like this for so long. Really, Monday morning is about 5 days later than I should have to make a decision. But that's the limit I'm setting for myself--Monday by 9am (with the help of dear Jessica who talked to me in the middle of the day even though it meant accidentally hanging up on one of her clients. oops.)

Talking helps. Feeling like someone is listening helps. Knowing that people care about you enough to let you talk both of you dizzy with circular logic even helps.

There have been a lot of conversations in the past month that have honestly saved me and my sanity. I haven't needed to talk to my mom and dad so much in years. And so many friends have listened to me vacillate back and forth that I don't know what I should do to apologize or thank them for giving me that time.

Yet, all the while I know very well that I can't take too much advice from anyone. I know that no one can tell me what to do. And if they did I probably wouldn't do it because, well, that's just kind of how I've always been.

And there is a point when all of then listening and talking in the world can't help me put off a choice I am avoiding any longer. And that time has really come. and gone. And Monday awaits.

I'm terrified. and I'm thrilled. because I will have to move forward in some direction, and that, at least, will be some kind of a relief.

Never change forever

The saga continues.
















2005

2011

After six years, husbands and state lines won't keep us apart! (right??)
Stay special, my friends!

I'll take the side aches

... as long as they come from excessive amounts of laughter (or possibly excessive consumption of chocolate.. but that's another story*.)

Now, what you may or may not know about me is that I have an exceptional sense of humor. In fact, if you say something and I don't laugh, I can pretty much promise you it wasn't funny and never will be. And I feel bad for you, because I find most things funny.

I also really enjoy funny people. I have quite a few really hilarious friends (and I love them SO MUCH!). Just today I read three clever blog posts in a row (1,2,3), and I thought, "Gosh I'm lucky! I know so many funny people who make my life super great!"

But then I started getting a little depressed. Because while I am quite proud of my spectacular ability to appreciate humor, I also rather bemoan that fact that I don't have quite the same talent for creating laughter that I witness in my wittier friends. And I'll be honest, I hate them a little bit for it....

But anyway, the point of this post is, whether I am lucky or lacking, I love laughing! Thus, I'm sharing with you what those witty women wrote (see 1,2,3 above) and I hope you enjoy it (if you don't, I feel sorry for you)!

*Also, the real reason my side hurts is because
I bought a large bag of peanut butter M&M's for lunch today
because I was in a hurry,
and also, I really wanted them,
and I've eaten almost all of them over the past 4 hours.

Ooops.

TIP THE BUCKET!

Check out The Tipping Bucket!! This project is amazing and every dollar you can donate helps to make it possible. Watch this short video about the GREENHOUSE SCHOOL the Tipping Bucket it raising money to fund!



I was in Bolivia this past summer and I had the opportunity to visit some projects that had been done by the organization CHOICE Humanitarian. One of those projects was a greenhouse school like the one that The Tipping Bucket is raising money to build. Please go to the Tipping Bucket site and donate $1 today! (Or more if you can!) You can help children have a warm and learning conducive environment for school! This is a great opportunity for anyone to make a difference in the world!

Take it.

Here's a picture of my friends and me in the greenhouse school with the kids and their professor.


These are some of the plants that are growing in the Greenhouse classroom. The kids help take care of them.

My friend Doug and I with the CHOICE Humanitarian staff in Bolivia!

Visiting a woman and her daughter using water from a CHOICE Humanitarian water project--one of many they have constructed in the Altiplano. It makes so much difference in these people's lives!

So here's the deal--CHOICE Humanitarian does great work. I've seen it with my own eyes! And Tipping Bucket is helping this them get the funding to make these projects possible. YOU WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS! So, one more time, here's the website: tippingbucket.org. Donate whatever you can--$1 makes a difference!

Thank YOU!

This really means a lot to me and to a lot of amazing people in Bolivia who are hoping to give their children a brighter future!

News in the blogosphere...

So, news to me, there are actually things called Blog Awards, and the charming Bree kindly introduced me to this concept with the Purple Fairy Award. As she passed it on to me I'd like to spread the love to just a couple of my favorite blogs as well...

Sweat, Tears, or the Sea
always a source of inspiration in writing and in life

all you need is love
who wouldn't love the spunk and cleverness of this fine woman
(and I know she already received this award, but I think she can have another)

que sera, sera
always full of lovely thoughts and photos

Sentiments and Dreams
here is the evidence of beautiful soul

the rest is still unwritten
this gal is just a genius (plus she is a great runner!)

I should be deserving to be to mars
this brilliant woman is hilarious and an incredible writer

To all of my Purple Fairy award winners--thanks for writing great blogs that I love to read! Keep up the good work :)

A way back into love. . .

I'm in love with this movie, this song, Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant, and every word of the lyrics!

A way back into love from "music and lyrics"

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night

I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

I love love

I have the best friends EVER! And no one could ask for a better roommate than mine!

She makes a pretty hott date too :)

thanks Holly
xoxo

Are we human or are we dancer?

Pay my respects to grace and virtue
Send my condolences to good
Give my regards to soul and romance,
They always did the best they could
And so long to devotion
You taught me everything I know
Wave goodbye
Wish me well...
You've gotta let me go
- Human, the killers

I've been listening to this song over and over today (I'm not even sure why this song, really) and I've been wondering...

I believe in a Heavenly Father who loves us and has a plan for His children on earth. And part of that faith is that life doesn't end when we die. I know that we go on, all of us, and we have hope of life that not only lasts for eternity, but is full of grace and beauty and peace and joy and creation and love and family and divinity.
I know this.

So I just wonder, why is it still so hard to let go?

This week I found out that an amazing man--Gary Bryner--has decided to end his battle with cancer and turn his life over to the Savior. His faith and courage inspire me. He has taught me so much about what it is to love the people of the world and to truly turn your life over to service. I will always be grateful for the light and goodness that he has shared with me over the past year, and with so many others throughout his life. I do not know how much longer he has, though I know it isn't long, but I know that he will leave the world a better place for the life he has lived.

Is there anything greater that can be said of a human life?

This one goes out to the ones I love

Today it rained.
And I wanted to complain until my friend said
"it's just enough to clear the air a little"
and I realized,
sometimes we need a little rain

. . . and a few tears . . .

just to clear the air

and afterward, with purified vision, we will start to see everything that was covered with the dust of daily life.

So today I am grateful for rain and for everything that has been made clean.

A new kind of crooner(ette)

A few songs I'm loving right now that I thought I'd share. So go ahead and take a listen...


ok....



haha! This one makes me laugh! But it's a good song.


This is a little lame but there isn't a real video for this song yet and I felt it needed to be included, so this will have to make do...




p.s. I think I should get bangs... then maybe I'll write an amazing album and make weird music videos too :)

Road Tripper

"[W]ords are not fashioned to speak what shapes the wind takes, the motion whereby mists climb after the sun out of ravines, or how the tropic orchids lift at daybreak among their fragrant shadows wings of ivory and fawn drooped against ferny trunks."

Far Altars by Marian Storm

I am muted by the grandeur of nature. . .

by the power of creation. . .

by the immensity of the world
in relation to
my infinite smallness. . .

and I love it

Am I Insensitive?

see more Epic Fails

I think this is hilarious!

Jen, I hope you love this, because when I saw it I thought of you and what your reaction would be and I almost fall off my bed laughing!! Love you!