endings/beginnings

Yesterday I made a decision about what I am going to do now that I finished my year as a VISTA at United Way.

Today I changed my mind... I think.

I probably shouldn't even be able to change my mind. Maybe I haven't. Maybe tomorrow I'll change it back. And really I can only go on like this for so long. Really, Monday morning is about 5 days later than I should have to make a decision. But that's the limit I'm setting for myself--Monday by 9am (with the help of dear Jessica who talked to me in the middle of the day even though it meant accidentally hanging up on one of her clients. oops.)

Talking helps. Feeling like someone is listening helps. Knowing that people care about you enough to let you talk both of you dizzy with circular logic even helps.

There have been a lot of conversations in the past month that have honestly saved me and my sanity. I haven't needed to talk to my mom and dad so much in years. And so many friends have listened to me vacillate back and forth that I don't know what I should do to apologize or thank them for giving me that time.

Yet, all the while I know very well that I can't take too much advice from anyone. I know that no one can tell me what to do. And if they did I probably wouldn't do it because, well, that's just kind of how I've always been.

And there is a point when all of then listening and talking in the world can't help me put off a choice I am avoiding any longer. And that time has really come. and gone. And Monday awaits.

I'm terrified. and I'm thrilled. because I will have to move forward in some direction, and that, at least, will be some kind of a relief.