03 September 2010

Inside out

Dear Home Intruders,

How strange the difference of a location can make. The difference of a few feet. The difference between the sides of a door. But the difference, my not-quite-friends, is essential.

It's the difference between harmless insect and evil destroyer of my domestic serenity.

You can see the problem here.

Perhaps you are simply confused. Of course, I might be too were I in your position. I confess, it is rather unusual for someone who does not want you to visit to lure you in with tempting treats and alluring dwellings which seem to call for you to occupy their unused space. This is not my doing; and I believe the temptation is less an invitation than an oversight on the part of my roommates, who have left the tantalizing surprises.

Certainly the day old, half eaten pizza hardening on the living room table appears to be begging for a visitation of flies. As does the soggy burrito remains sitting in the kitchen sink, complete with empty plastic containers for salsa, drowning in two inches of cold, murky water. And it has already attracted your more minute, bacterial friends, I can be sure. Perhaps that strange smell I encountered on entering my house at lunch was just the last straw for decay loving grubs, too enticing to pass up. But, while I don't know what it is or where it is coming from, I can tell you with certainty said scent is not meant to draw you in. None of it is, really.

So, with all due respect, I ask you to leave my home and STAY OUT!

I have nothing against you, when you're on the other side of my door, but spiders, flies, mosquitoes (and whatever else might be crawling or flying about, yet unseen), when you cross that threshold, the only word I have for you is
and maybe pest control.



Anonymous said...

This post had me dying in the library. Like dying. As in like laughing out loud in a quiet room of strangers dying. You are hilarious beyond words. I look like a crazy person right now. I don't care though. I agree with every word.

Anonymous said...

so funny! :D