In Praise of Winter

The truth is, I hate winter. I hate being cold. I hate walking outside in the mornings and feeling the skin on my face tighten and burn as frigid air penetrates my skin and sinks into my soul, leaving me low and bemoaning my cruel fate. I hate that my feet start to numb beginning with the toes and working up into the soles; and I hate even more that before they lose feeling they pang with bursts of uncomfortable coldness radiating into the rest of my body. I hate that when I walk outside I think I might crystallize into a large human icicle, but when I walk inside on campus, still wrapped in scarves, gloves, wool coat, sweaters, thermals, tights and knee socks (which remain insufficient to fight off the deceptively sunny chill outside), I begin to sweat under the too high temperatures of the buildings I enter, leading to an intensely and annoyingly variable discomfort inside and out. And I hate how there is no reasonable means of keeping my face warm, so that my cheeks and nose turn red and raw and my eyes start to water as much from the harshness of temperature as from the sadness it crystallizes into my heart.

I’m from Arizona, but I’ve lived in Utah for four and a half years now. I knew that frozen, snowy winters would be a shock, but I thought I might start getting used to the cold after awhile. I thought that I would learn the secret to keeping your self warm while walking across snow-packet sidewalks and under trees that douse you in thick white slush if you dare venture beneath their heavy laden boughs. I assumed that I would learn how to keep my balance when skidding across ice infested walkways that have left me badly embarrassed and bruised on more occasions than I am likely to confess. But such has not been the case, and as Winter has begun her reign yet again this year, I found an abnormal sense of pleasure in planning for myself a future free of frozen fingers, feet and face, forevermore! I will be graduating in a few months, and I feel like an elderly person who has recently retired as I picture myself sunny and cheerful in Arizona, California, Texas, Florida. I imagine the beautiful winter days when I can retire the bulky footwear and suffocating coats I’ve tried to come to terms with and replacing them with my ever beloved sandals and tee-shirts worn outdoors on even Christmas day — paradise! I stubbornly and maliciously plotted ways in which I might fix my future so that I would never have to touch another snowflake in my life—it would be essential, I mused, to marry a man as opposed to coldness as myself, of course. And then, if perhaps I was diagnosed with an ailment that provided me with doctor prescribed warmth and sunshine—a vitamin D deficiency lets say—that could never hurt. And I should look into a career path that would necessitate a warm climate—I should start growing citrus! After all, who doesn’t love a good orange?

Then it hit me, mid-fantasy: what if I really never had a winter again? The image of the first frosted morning of the winter season flashed before my eyes like the face of a loved one lost. Gone forever. What if I never saw the way the sunlight glints off the snow into a million dappling lights, casting glitter across the landscape and almost blinding me with brilliance? What if I never saw the lightly falling snow illuminated mysteriously and enchantingly in the moonlight as it softly falls upon my hair and face with a gentleness and delicacy of a first kiss? What if I never heard the crisp chirp of a chilly bird in the early morning hours reverberating through the frozen air, captured in the stillness and reverence of those icy days, as if taking time to bask in the beauty of the resting earth, blanketed and protected by this dense covering of crystals? What if I never felt the tingle of chilliness tickle my nose and cheeks and fingers refreshingly as I step outside from the warmth of a heated house, waiting behind me with promises of warmth and sweet cups of tea and cider and chocolate that so starkly contrasts the outside world that each becomes magically perfected in its variance? I was suddenly stricken with terror. I was horrified at the thought of losing winter, the season I had always considered the worst of enemies; my nemesis; my torturer; the unfeeling, inhospitable juncture of time, cruelly keeping me from flip-flops and tee-shirts, swimming pools and suntans; the absence of comfort, and even of life.

Now, I found my heart heavy and the corners of my eyes brimming with dampness, the ever ready butterflies of fear taking up their place in my stomach—I knew I would miss winter, somehow, impossibly, if I found a way to evade its presence ever more. I was flabbergasted and confused at this strange sorrow and the unsuspected dearness of winter. Everything I knew told me to escape with all possible haste and never turn back. And yet, I knew that my success in such an act would not leave me satisfied. I was in a conundrum.

So now, as I sit in my semi-heated apartment, watching as the first few wispy flakes of snow drift down past my window, despite my initial instinct to cringe and complain, I realize I need to enjoy these moments and hold them dear. I need to remember this beauty and keep it locked inside of me so that I can pull it out someday as I sit warm by the beach in Miami or San Diego, and enjoy the beauty of winter, safely in the heat of the sun.

Inspiration

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TZni3qX8gs

Perezosa

I have been extremely lazy lately. I have plenty to do. I just have an aversion to actually doing it. I will associate part of this new trend with the cold outside--the fact that cold weather makes me want to bundle up in blankets with a cup of tea and a book and listen to soothing music, cuddled up against the chill outside, toasty in my little nest; and also the fact that going outside to get to work or the library or the computer lab sends shivers up my spine, literally. So I've taken refuge in my room, where, in reality, I could find a good many things to do. There's homework to be done, papers to read, my desk desperately needs organizing (but having let this particular task go undone for such a long time I now feel utterly overwhelmed even looking at it and find I am much more content if I turn my back and pretend this looming mountain of papers and books and boxes and pens and old bills and bobby pins and notepads and who knows what else simply didn't exist at all).

Of course, I went to school and work today and woke up early to do some reading and came home and cleaned the oven and tidied my room a bit (our apartment is getting checked for cleaning today) and then, while I had planned to go back to work for another couple of hours, I realized that by the time I got there I would hardly have any time before my pilates class and it just wasn't worth it. So that leaves me trying to wile away the next twenty minutes with some sort of task. But I've already checked all my emails, responded to a couple, played the guitar, checked facebook at least twice, tried (unsuccessfully) to get some pictures from Christmas off my camera, thought about doing my homework and found excuses as to why now isn't the time, called my mom, read the back cover of a text book, changed into my work out clothes and tried to think of something interesting to post on my blog--so I guess that wasn't exactly my most successful endeavor either.

Now I'm going to go to pilates early so I can make use of my time there to print some homework, ensuring that I will be able to avoid taking extra trips to campus tomorrow (again, the cold and I don't quite get along, so I just try to avoid it as much as possible. You might say I'm non-confrontational.).

Yep.

Blueberry Pancakes

This morning my roommate Trisha came into my room with a plate of delicious pancakes and a bottle of syrup and made me the happiest girl in the world! I am so grateful for her and for all of my wonderful roommates--they make me happy every day; and for good friends; and family; and so many blessings I couldn't count them even if I tried as hard as I probably should. I do not deserve all the goodness I have been given.

When I thanked my roommate she chimed back to me a quote I love: "Never suppress a generous thought" (Sister Parkin in a devotional at BYU a few years ago). How great is that? I've always been amazed at the simple truth of those few words. We can do so much good to those around us if we just do what we naturally want to do. If we feel inclined to make a phone call or bring someone brownies or do someone's dishes or give a friend a ride or write a little note or just spend time listening to what another person has to say, why not just do it? That is something I really want to work on in my life and I am so grateful to have such incredible examples around me! Thanks Trisha! And thank you to everyone who serves me and brings me joy and makes me laugh and listens to my stories and tolerates my craziness! I love you--you are my light in every dark day.

Pride

Yeah. I have that.

It's a Record!

I have successfully completed the most pathetic first week of school EVER! I made it to the first three days... then I skipped the next two.

Blame it on the virus. Or maybe thank it.

Locomotion

Yesterday my body decided to play a nasty trick on me. I woke up feeling sick-ish. But I've been worse and I figured I'd go ahead and go to work. Well, about 10 minutes of that sent me straight back home and into bed feeling nauseated, head and throat-achy and a bit feverish. Then I started feeling dizzy and strange and I thought I might get sick, so I got out of bed and then it started. All of the sudden my hands and feet and face started feeling tingly and strange and the muscles started contracting uncontrollably. It's happened to me before, especially when I get migraines on occasion. But this time it was out of control. I lay on my bed and started to sob with panic as my body became increasingly paralyzed and contorted. By the time one of my roommates heard me, I was quite a mess. I was bawling, my entire body was in pain, I couldn't move the majority of my limbs and I was FREAKING OUT! Luckily, my roommate Holly is a pro and she knew just what to do. She got me breathing normally, got some Tylenol and fluids into me (which I pathetically had to drink through a straw while she held the bottle up to my face since I couldn't MOVE), and then started stretching and messaging all of my limbs. Before long I was practically back to normal. And except for some very sore muscles and a bit of residual flu-ishness, I'm doing much better now!

Thank heavens for good roommates...and drugs!