15 November 2011

Is this real?

Lately it has come to my attention that I have a somewhat strange perspective on my life here in Spain. It's as if I see this is a step out of reality; some kind of intermission in the story of my life. I didn't recognize it at first, but when I noticed myself continually having thoughts like, "In real life I would...." or "If this was my normal life..." or "When I get back to my real life..." The problem is, I haven't stepped into some alternate reality and left my life behind for me to pick back up someday when I get back.

How did I get this strange notion into my head in the first place? I don't quite know. But I suspect it has something to do with the fact that I am far from home and far from the things I have normally done (like being a students, which only consisted of, oh I don't know, practically my entire life). Because I knew when I came here that it was a temporary and I expect to go back to the United States again next year... and also back to school. But also because I have an overly active imagination that causes me, at times, to blur the line between fantasy and reality. Because for months I imagined life here in Spain and now that I am here it is almost as if I have been subsumed into one of my dreams--something that, although close to my actual life, is not actually true, but a realm of semi-reality and unlikely possibility.

I have this problem often--I have to make a concerted effort to differentiate between what is really going on and the imaginary scenarios that I create in my (day) dreams. Just today, for example, I had to yank myself out of an imaginary situation when I realized I was tearing-up as I was walking home from the train and someone on the street might notice. How do you explain that you are crying over an imaginary event that you created in your mind--not something real, but an imagined possibility (though quite distant) based on certain real life events that have occurred. If you don't think I'm crazy by now, I'm sure some Spanish stranger listening to my broken, confused explanation certainly would!

Anyway, the point of this rambling (which in my world of imagination my many readers are raptly interested in, as always :) is that I have somehow convinced myself that I am on a break from reality. I imagined this experience so often perhaps, or the feeling that I have been scooped up from the normalcy of the life I knew and deposited into another world is so strong, that I have started subconsciously dividing my time here from the rest of my life and my "reality." But that can be no more. I am here. And this is real. My life is not on pause, nor can it ever be.

I don't want my life in Spain to be some hazy dream experience, but a vivid piece of my life that can connect with the many other experiences I have had and that will blend into my future and prepare me for what lies ahead. And so, I commence with a new effort to change my mindset and to really live my life here in Spain.

So, saludos y besos from Spain!! I'm really here :) xoxo

1 comment:

DandE LAM said...

Yay!!! I do this same thing! I tell myself to be present in the space and time that I am in and enjoy it! So happy you are having this awesome experience in Spain!!